The iconic photo that nowadays is instantly recognizable by every child across the planet. Taken just moments after one of the most significant events in human history, which consequently led to Guy being awarded his second Nobel Peace Prize.
Equipped with his trusty baseball cap, a pair of sunglasses, and a heart of gold, Guy set out to conquer the desolate deserts of Arizona. To him, it was just another day. To the world, as we now know, it was a day that will define generations to come.
Guy was jolted awake by the sound of the alarm clock. A few moments of disorientation were quickly replaced by elation, and a smile slowly began to form on his face. A big day was ahead of him, and he wasn’t going to let any second of it go to waste. It was 6:30 AM, and the hotel’s buffet just opened. With his stomach already rumbling, he leapt out of bed, left the room, and began to follow the pleasant odors that filled the entire corridor. Once he reached the dining area, he grabbed a plate and started to meticulously arrange it, making sure he didn’t miss a single dish that was offered. After all, it was free.
“Sir, you can’t do that!” said a surprised voice from behind him.
“Excuse me?” Guy replied and turned around swiftly, “Are you talking to me?”
People can be so bothersome in the mornings. He already told them yesterday that seventeen is the perfect number of pancakes and he is allowed to take as many as he wants, and if they thought otherwise they should’ve named it all you can’t eat instead.
“Sir, this is the buffet! This is inappropriate!” said a slim girl with reddish hair, dressed in something that is too formal for a guest in the hotel.
“What could be more appropriate than my right to pancakes? I thought this was America!” Guy retorted.
“There’s nothing wrong with pancakes,” she began to explain, “Especially since you took just the right amount. But, it’s just that, well, how can I put this – you have no clothes on!”
The girl presented an interesting argument which Guy confirmed when he looked down at his private parts and realized he was, indeed, naked. Not a man to admit his own mistakes, or even worse, succumb to the unreasonable standards of society, Guy had to defend himself. Besides, he was eyeing this girl for a few days now, and this whole situation presented itself as a golden opportunity for a formal introduction.
“My name is Guy. Guy Tevet. And yes, I happen to have no clothes on. So what? I let no trivialities such as clothes bother me. Why should you?” he said, with a little smirk. “What’s more,” he continued, “I consider myself a very practical man. Ask yourself this: What are we here for? To eat breakfast, of course! And from a practicality standpoint I can’t see how clothes are necessary here. In fact, I can’t spill any maple syrup on my shirt now because, as you told me yourself, I don’t have a shirt on. So I don’t see how I’m in the wrong here.”
Guy tried to examine the face of the girl in front of him for any reaction, but she seemed unfazed. He also looked around him because he expected a small cheer from the crowd after such a compelling speech, but he then remembered they were alone, and it was probably just compelling in his own head. “Well, Lily,” he said, after spotting a name tag on her shirt, “I think the real question here is: why are you wearing any clothes?”
“I usually only get asked that question after the third date,” she replied, with a little smile. She caught herself smiling and immediately straightened back to a more serious and professional expression. “But seriously, please put some clothes on.”
“You’re right, I am sorry,” Guy said, “Sorry for thinking you were more than a government drone!”
“I am not!”, she said, hurtfully, “It’s just that I could get fired for letting you roam free like that around here.”
Guy had an idea. “Let’s make a deal. I accept to turn against everything I believe in, and put on some clothes, and in exchange you will accompany me today on a trip to the Grand Canyon.”
Lily thought about it for a minute. “Sure, why not? I already saw you naked, so I think we’re pretty close.” She chuckled a little at her own joke.
“And also, I’m taking the pancakes to my room,” he said, trying to capitalize on her leniency.
“Knock yourself out.”
Guy took his pancakes and started to walk towards the room. I should’ve really asked for permission to take the plate too, he thought a little too late, catching some maple syrup on something that was definitely not his shirt.
“I can’t help but notice you are wearing clothes now,” Lily exclaimed, as she met Guy later that day in the parking lot, ready to head out to the Grand Canyon.
“Don’t be so surprised,” Guy said without a hint of humor. “One cannot expect our feeble bodies to protect us from the desert sun. I’m a man of pure practicality.”
“Right,” said Lily, as they both started to walk to the end of the parking lot. Lily stopped and looked around, there was only one car ahead. “Is this your car?” She pointed excitedly to the Hummer that was right in front of them.
“Nonsense,” Guy replied. “How preposterous would that be? Ha! No, no, I don’t trust anything with an engine.”
Lily was puzzled, but quickly asked, “Oh, you mean an engine that burns so much gasoline?”
Now it was Guy’s turn to look at her puzzled. “No, like I said, an engine. Follow me.”
They walked several more yards to discover a car that was hidden behind the Hummer. Lily noticed there was something very familiar about this car. It took her a second to remember why it looked so familiar.
“That’s from the Flintstones!” She said.
“Huh?” Guy was visibly confused. “What is a Flint Stone? Never mind, we haven’t got much time before the daylight runs out. Jump in! I hope you had a hearty breakfast.”
They jumped in. Each sat down before a set of pedals that connected to the wheels in an intricate network of pulleys, sprockets, and chains. In front of Guy was also a steering wheel, and a parrot.
“Mooo!” uttered the parrot.
“There’s a parrot on the dashboard,” Lily said.
“The sky is blue,” Guy replied thoughtfully. “I like this game. Is it like ‘I Spy with my little eye’?”
“No!” Said Lily curtly. “I meant, why do you have a parrot? And why did it say mooo?”
“Oh. What do you mean why? How else will we get to the Grand Canyon? I certainly don’t know the way. Do you? And sorry about the mooing. He’s a bit of a diva and thinks he’s being funny. Parrot, take us to the Grand Canyon!”
“Moooo, you got it boss!” The parrot said in a typical parrot voice. “Turn right when you exit the parking lot, quack!”
Guy started to pedal, and the whole contraption that was masquerading as a car began to move.
“Are you truly going to pedal all the way to the Grand Canyon?”
“Oh, don’t worry,” Guy said proudly. “This baby goes about 100 miles to the pancake. And I fueled up just this morning. We could get there faster, of course, if you pedalled too.”
Not sure what else to do, Lily began to pedal.
They finally got to the Grand Canyon by noon. Guy barely broke a sweat.
“Wow, you barely broke a sweat,” Lily said, while she herself was visibly dripping.
“No time for small talk,” Guy said without acknowledging what she said. “We must hurry!”
Guy got out of the car, and started to walk briskly downwards into the canyon. Lily followed suit.
“We must get to the big rock,” he looked around, searching for something in the distance. “Right over there,” he pointed, but Lily didn’t see any rocks.
“I’m beginning to get thirsty,” Lily said, a little alarmed. “Did we bring any water?”
“Don’t worry about that, we are almost at the rock now.”
Lily thought about how her obituary will look. Two crazy lunatics found dead in the desert. At least she will go out with bang.
Finally, they reached the rock. Guy took out a long stick from his jacket.
“Where did you hide that stick?” Asked Lily, no longer letting herself be surprised by the mischiefs of her companion.
“Same place I keep my wine glasses,” Guy said, as he took out two wine glasses from his jacket. Guy held the stick high in the air, and with a swinging motion struck it upon the rock. A crack formed where the stick hit the rock, and suddenly water began to flow out of the newly created crevice. Guy held out the wine glasses and filled them with the water. He closed his eyes, murmured a few words, and the water turned into wine. He handed one glass to Lily.
“L’Chaim!” Guy smiled, and they both drank.
They chatted for a while and began to walk back towards the car.
“Nice party trick turning water into wine. Where did you learn to do that?” Lily inquired, understandably curious.
“My cousin Jesus taught me how to do that,” he said nonchalantly.
“Oh, you don’t strike me as having Mexican roots.”
“Huh? Ah, I see the confusion. No, different Jesus. You might have heard of him – Jesus of Nazareth? He has quite a penchant for the melodramatic.”
Lily furrowed her forehead in deep thought. Every answer from this Guy (Haha!) spawned five more questions. Unfortunately, she did not have the chance to further question Guy’s genealogy. She was about to do just that, and even opened her mouth to speak, but instead of hearing her own voice she heard a bizarre trill instead. She looked up, trying to triangulate the source of the noise, and didn’t have much trouble finding it. Right above them, a flying saucer, about the size of a school bus, was coming at them at a great speed. As it descended, it became bigger and bigger, and just when she thought it was about to crush them, it stopped dead in its tracks, hovering a few feet above them.
“What the hell is that?” Lily asked, her mouth agape.
Guy, still standing right next to her, did not change his facial expression.
“Ugh,” he said at last. “They finally found me. Let’s get it over with.”
Guy paced a few steps aside to make room for the saucer, with Lily quickly following his lead. The saucer then silently inched towards the ground, until it touched it with a slight thud. Not a moment passed, and two snakelike creatures stepped out of the craft.
“Guy Tevet,” the aliens spoke in unison, “At last.”
“Oh goody, you speak English. How convenient,” Guy said, mainly for the benefit of you, the ever so doubtful reader.
“Silence!” The aliens squeaked back, “You are ruining the reader’s immersion!”
One of the aliens sent his thin arms up in the air and announced in a high pitched voice: “Guy Tevet, for years you have failed to answer our summons, and consequently ignored the decree of the High Galactic Council!”
Guy started to inspect his fingernails absentmindedly. “Here it comes,” he said, rolling his eyes.
“But now,” the alien continued, “You shall confess your crimes in front of the entire universe!” A series of cheeps and twits followed the alien’s words, which could only be interpreted as an unsuccessful attempt at a diabolical laughter. “Or else, we will destroy your precious planet!”
Lily didn’t know how a smirk looked on an alien’s face, but nevertheless she was sure she spotted one now.
“Excuse me for interrupting, uhh-” Lily paused to think for a second. “-Sir alien. But what exactly did Guy do?”
The alien turned his tiny head towards Lily without moving any other part of his body. “Poor child. Do you not see it? You too were captured in his wily charms.”
The alien stepped back and took out from his ship an object akin to a very old movie camera mounted on a tripod, and set it in front of Guy. “Speak now,” he squawked, “The universe is watching! Admit it!” the alien said with excitement, “Admit that… You are the coolest person in the universe!”
Guy let out a sigh. He stopped looking at his fingernails, straightened his back and looked directly at the camera. “You leave me no choice,” he said while taking off his sunglasses, “I admit it. I am the coolest person alive.”
Shrieks of joy came out of the aliens.
“But know this,” Guy continued, “Coolness is not something to be bestowed upon. No, Coolness comes from within. You may have forced this admission out of me, but what did you really achieve? So now you can sell little dolls of mini-mes across the universe, with an official ‘coolest person alive’ certification? I guess you can, but be sure to give me a percentage of the profits, of course.”
Guy paused, closed his eyes, and thought deeply. His aura of coolness made it clear he wasn’t done speaking, and the trillions watching him eagerly waited to hear more of his wise words laid on them.
Guy opened his eyes and continued. “To all the kids listening to me right now, wanting to be as cool as me, don’t be fooled by this shenaniganry. Just by accepting this dubious position I am risking my coolness status. In a way, I am admitting that I care, god forbid, about what others think of me.”
Guy pointed his finger at the camera, “But remember, ‘care’ is not part of the cool man’s vocabulary!”
Guy lowered his finger. “And that’s all I have to say about that.”
The aliens packed up their camera, got back into their spaceship, and flew away, all the while making incomprehensible giddy noises, their translucent skins glowing brighter than before. They were happy and rightly so, as their year long journey of searching for Guy Tevet finally came to an end. But even moreso, it was the excitement of finally meeting the man himself that made them so joyous.
Meanwhile, on the ground, Guy and Lily looked up to the sky and followed the spaceship as it became smaller and smaller until it finally disappeared.
Then, Lily turned to Guy and said, “Wow, I had no idea you were that cool!”
“Hmph,” Guy said, “Well, you know the saying, ‘cool recognizes cool’.”
“And also, dude, aliens? For real? I mean, I have so many questions. You knew aliens existed? And you didn’t tell anyone?”
Guy was visibly startled. “Of course aliens exist. It should come as no surprise to anyone – the Drake equation leaves no doubt about that. Frankly I am disappointed you needed visible proof for it. Math doesn’t lie, you know.”
“Well, yeah, I guess, but—”
“Let me stop you right there, Lily. Listen, you are a nice girl and all,” Guy contemplated how to say what he thought most accurately, “But your rashness, childlike enthusiasm, and naivete is really off-putting.”
He continued, “Dare I say, it is really uncool. I mean, it takes a special kind of crazy to follow a strange man into the desert without even bringing a bottle of water with you. And not thinking aliens exist? This kind of illogical thinking and lack of deduction skills are really a testament to the state of the American school system.”
“Anyway, I don’t think this will work out. It is not you, it’s me. It’s just that I am not ready to be tied down just yet, I guess. But it was definitely nice meeting you.”
Guy put on his sunglasses and started to walk towards the sunset.
A few hundred feet away from them, Juan Franco watched the scene that unfolded before him in utter fascination. As an amateur photographer, he was camping in the Grand Canyon for several days now in the hope of capturing glimpses of the wildlife unique to the Canyon. Instead of finding wildlife, he found something much better – proof of extraterrestrial life.
He silently observed from afar and managed to get pretty satisfactory pictures, in his opinion. But what the hell happened down there? He was too far out to hear the heated exchange between the aliens and the humans. After the aliens left, he noticed one of the humans walking towards him.
“Excuse me, sir?” Juan said loudly once Guy was close enough to hear him. He situated himself on a cliff overlooking a wide view of the Canyon. Guy looked up from the Canyon’s floor, and saw Juan. Several more minutes of climbing and Guy was at the top next to Juan.
“Wow, what on Earth happened down there?” Asked Juan smugly, acutely aware of his own pun.
“Oh, you saw that?” asked Guy. “Yeah, these hoodlums from the Galactic Council coerced me into saying, well—”
“Did you say Galactic Council?” Juan interrupted.
“Yeah,” said Guy, not understanding what the big fuss is about. “And that it is either they destroy the planet or that I admit—”
“I’m sorry,” Juan interrupted again, “Did you say DESTROY the planet?”
“Yeah,” said Guy, not offering any more information because he didn’t feel like being interrupted once more.
“And you made them run off!”
Guy nodded, not feeling the need to correct the semantics of the description of the events that just happened.
“So you are basically the savior of humanity!” Juan exclaimed.
“Well, I don’t know If I would go that far, it was a simple galactic matter, really. I just—”
“Do you mind if I take a picture of you?” Juan asked, too excited to let Guy finish his sentences.
“I guess,” Guy replied.
“Ok, do you mind looking toward the Canyon?”
Guy looked towards the Canyon.
“Uh, can you take your baseball cap and sunglasses off?” Juan asked.
“No.”
Juan raised his camera up and snapped the picture.
Juan was an old man. An angry old man. Fifty years of taking photographs, of kings and queens, of signing of peace treaties, and of course the first documented photos of extraterrestrial life. He even captured the historic moment of Earth joining the Galactic Federation, human and alien shaking hands and ushering humanity into its next age. But none of it mattered. Just one picture lingered and survived the test of time.
“Abuelito!” little Juanita said, jumping up and down. “Please grandpa, please. Tell me again the story of the time you met Guy Tevet!”
“Ok, little one,” he said with a sigh. “Come, sit on my lap.”
She stopped jumping up and down and quickly settled on his lap.
It was time for him to accept that his name will be just a footnote in history, always as a reference, synonymous with just one picture, perhaps as a trivia answer to the question ‘Who was the photographer behind the famous photograph of Guy Tevet when he saved the world?’
Was it that bad, really? At least he will be remembered. He smiled at Juanita, and started to recite the poem that every little child knows by heart:
There once was a man so awesome,
He made the arid desert blossom.
His name was Guy,
And as aliens came from the sky,
Back to their planet he tossed ‘em.
Guy Tevet 